For those of us around 80 years of age (and up), holidays are often largely “family-free.”  A non-scientific series of conversations with my senior community friends revealed that many will not see their children, grandchildren or other family during this Christmas holiday.  That’s hard, but not surprising.

In this college-educated community, most of us delayed child-bearing until age 30. or chose to remain childless altogether.  Our children did the same, granting us the delay of grandparenthood until age 60 or so. Our children, nieces and nephews are now the 50-year old parents of the 20-year old Generation Z, frantically maintaining their careers while keeping a finger in the dike of endless parental obligations. All of my friends who will be without family visits this holiday season feel loved by their families and love them deeply in return. Yet  we know and respect that holiday visits to elderly family are difficult for these middle-aged families to arrange—even among those whose children live nearby. Our amazing, beloved children squeezed in time last year for quick visits:  Our older daughter drove 2 hours each way in a 24-hour period to spend Thanksgiving with us; our younger daughter and family drove 7 hours each way to surprise us for a holiday afternoon last year.  That’s loving and wonderful, but simply not sustainable for them.

Our tradition for the last decade has been to travel and join one family at Thanksgiving, the other at Christmas. The pandemic mostly ended that (carryout Thanksgiving in a hotel room was a good try, but…).  Those trips became increasingly difficult for us as well: travel is stressful for those with mobility or health concerns, and the constant fear of viruses is not yet over.  I acknowledge a sense of relief mixed with sadness at our decision to avoid holiday travel this year.

A part of that relief is the realization that the holiday work of hosting, cooking, planning, maintaining traditions and pleasing is no longer our responsibility; we have successfully transferred all of that to the next generation. That’s a good thing, that we did our jobs as adults well enough that we ensured succession. It’s okay to rest on our laurels, to “retire” from being in charge of other’s holiday joy.

Letting go of the responsibility allows us to focus on the less hectic, calmer joys of the season, and on fellow seniors who are also alone. We elders can and will reach out to one another for social exchange in this holiday season, whether at a community dinner or small get-togethers in comfortable, accessible locations. Music events are everywhere, and church services and concerts are even live-streamed, making for highly accessible activities. Participation in these events brings joy to listener and musicians alike.

Joyful holiday traditions will continue even when we are no longer in charge of them. Our families are doing just fine in maintaining holiday joy. We can take joy in that, in one another, and in the holidays–wherever we might be and whomever we might be with.