Lately, I’ve been pondering on the challenges of living with an ill or dying partner. It’s one thing for a healthy young couple to commit to “in sickness and in health until death do us part” and quite another to live the reality as one partner fades with illness. And yet, aging partnerships in which one is transitioning into illness or death are amazing experiences, rich with human strength and expressed love.

Several of my friends live with their demented partner. Peek into their lives, and you see grief and frustration and awesome amounts of shared love. For example, there’s Curt and Robin. The other night, Curt shared with friends the story of an adventure he and Robin had once experienced together. Her smile and pride lit up the room as he recounted their adventure. They held hands and snuggled close to one another as friends expressed their gratitude for the shared story. Curt is energetic, restless and hard-driving, strengths which allowed him a highly successful career as an entrepreneur. Now, in his love for Robin, he is learning patience and stillness. It’s not easy for either of them, but it is beautiful to see. The focus on their shared memories reignites an intimacy that gives strength to each of them.

A much beloved poet and photographer, Danny, is no longer able to find the words to write or the skills to take the pictures which gave him decades of purpose and joy. He keeps a list, prepared with his wife Nancy each morning of his schedule for the day in his shirt pocket. On that list are the weekly meetings of the photography club to which he used to contribute gorgeous, poetic landscapes. Now he enjoys viewing other’s photos and hearing their commentary. Danny is fully aware that he doesn’t remember well, and shares that fact appropriately in casual conversations. Together with the support and acceptance of his friends and family, he is meeting the challenge of dementia and most importantly, truly taking pleasure in his life.

Every relationship will end in time. Most often, aged relationships are broken with the illness or death of one of the partners before the other. We have come to think of those endings as sad and of the survivor as someone who has been alone during the partner’s transition from health to illness, and ultimately to death. Working together, Curt and Danny, Robin and Nancy have found ways to give each other the strength and the joy to overcome the challenges of that transition. It is indeed beautiful to see.